December 2012
2 posts
16 tags
9 tags
Tales of a Restaurant Regular: "The WEINER."...
The bitch is back! (Or so Elton John told me) It’s been a busy holiday season, FULL of crazies, but I’m back with a brand new installment of the series, “Tales of a Restaurant Regular.”
We’ll call her Lisa Weiner, because she totally was one (a whiner)! She was in her late 50s, a Jew from NYC, and she was single. Nothing wrong with that, until I found out she...
July 2012
3 posts
11 tags
You know you've become a foodie when...
You can smell truffle oil from miles away.
You bring obscure spices to your friends houses to cook dinner.
Your DVR is full of food network shows.
Your DVR is also full of Man Vs. Food episodes.
You stay in on Tuesdays to watch CHOPPED.
You discuss recipes with strangers instead of talking about…the weather?
Vacations are based around restaurant reservations.
Your mom calls you for...
9 tags
Tales of a Restaurant Regular..."Drew & Catherine"...
I’ve met a lot of weird, fucked up people in my life, but Restaurant Regulars can out-weird them all. Here’s another tale for you.
Drew and Catherine were 2 of a kind. And their relationship blossomed from a casual dating relationship to a full blown marriage just before my eyes. Literally… they were married in the steak house where I worked. Catherine was frail with translucent skin, a bob...
7 tags
June 2012
2 posts
12 tags
GO FUCK YOURSELF...the answer to everything.
I find that working in a restaurant has helped me develop an answer to ANY impossible request, bizarre question, or uncomfortable situation: GO FUCK YOURSELF. Seriously, it works every time! Here are ten examples of when to think to yourself (or say out loud and collect unemployment) GO FUCK YOURSELF.
1. Woman walks up to the host stand to complain about her table AFTER she has placed her...
11 tags
Tales of a "Restaurant Regular"...Grey-ish...
Tales of a “Restaurant Regular”…Grey-ish Gardens.
I have a love/hate relationship with “regulars”. I love the half smile they have when they walk through the door. A smile that says something like, “Yeah, sorry it’s ME again. I know, I know, I eat here a LOT, don’t I? I walk in unannounced and demand a corner table. I’m a pain, aren’t I? Teeheehee. But look at my...
May 2012
2 posts
9 tags
April 2012
2 posts
9 tags
Tales of a "Restaurant Regular"...1st installment.
“Regulars” exist in every restaurant. You know, the people who dine at your place at least once or 4 times a week? Everyone has them, and everyone has a love/hate relationship with them. You love the business they bring (especially if they tip well) and you hate them for being major assholes if their specific needs are not met.
I’ve met and worked with a LOT of regulars...
We're people too, dammit.
The other day I was working the front door and a guy ran up to the podium to check in. He had a drink in his hand and yelled in my face, “BERMAN [made up last name, duh] FOR 2.” ** I had one of those moments you have when you need to place where you know this person from…a beat later, I realized that I kind of dated this guy in middle school. Because all dating is “kind...
February 2012
1 post
Dear Mr. Restaurant Guest...
Dear Mr. Restaurant Guest,
Good evening! How are you? Hello? HIIIIII. I’m RIGHT HERE. Oh, you can’t look people in the eye? I get it… I’m not important… oh no “hi” back? Just a “Yea…. I’m here for a dinner…” You think you look pretty important in that suit, but you’re not important to me EITHER. But I am the...
December 2011
6 posts
New Years Resolutions? Yeah, I got some.
Working in the service industry can kiillllll you. Or it can burn you our by the end of the year. In fact, I’m writing this while sick in bed with a sinus monster attacking me. I’m feeling like 2012 is going to be a hell of a lot better than 2011… maybe because I like even numbers better than odd numbers? I don’t really know. But I’ve got some resolutions.
1....
Ok, TMI. People say way too much.
I recently taught my mom that “TMI” is when people tell you too much information about themselves that makes you wish they kept it to themselves. I get that people need to vent sometimes. Sometimes it’s your waiter, your dentist, your chinese food delivery guy… and sometimes its the Maitre D’ of the restaurant you’re eating at. I like to think of myself as a...
Top 10 annoying "check-in" lines...
People don’t know how to check in for their reservation. No, seriously, you’d be surprised how many people don’t understand the concept. A lot of the shit people say is just plain annoying. So I made a list of the top 10 annoying “check-in lines” I’ve come across:
10. ”Wow you’re so beautiful I forgot my own name.”
…gag me.
9. ...
Welcome to The Door Bitch
Oh, hello, good evening! Welcome to the The Door Bitch. Have you dined with us here before? What a lovely baby you have. Can you tell it to shut the fuck up now so I can answer this phone call? Thanks, enjoy your dinner.
This blog goes out to all of the people who work in the service industry, in particular, all the smart pretty girls and fabulous handsome gays who work the front door....
