I find that working in a restaurant has helped me develop an answer to ANY impossible request, bizarre question, or uncomfortable situation:  GO FUCK YOURSELF.  Seriously, it works every time!  Here are ten examples of when to think to yourself (or say out loud and collect unemployment) GO FUCK YOURSELF.

1.  Woman walks up to the host stand to complain about her table AFTER she has placed her order with the server and is already having a drink at the table.  What can I do for her she asks?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

2.  Picky person on the phone wants to know what we have on the menu… excuse me, ALL OF THE MENU?  I offer a website to go to and they’re “not near a computer”… everyone has a smartphone or ipad or a friend with one of the 2.  My answer to you is…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

3.  Two year old kid is running loose in the dining room.  Mother is sipping a glass of wine and smiling as if THE WORLD THINKS HER KID IS SO CUTE it doesn’t matter that this child is causing a hazardous threat for the staff and other guests.  Hire a babysitter or…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

4.  Sad and lonely weird dude is at the bar.  After too many drinks and dinner alone, he comes up to try and make conversation with me and some of my hosts.  Seriously, you are sweaty and drunk and unappealing.  Go on match.com or…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.  (no seriously, go home and masturbate and maybe you’ll feel better about yourself?)

5.  Oh your manager is not giving you the vacation request you put in like 6 months ago?  Because he predicts it to be a “busy weekend and we need you here”…?  I’m going to make up a sexual harassment claim to corporate or you can…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

6.  Oh no that server is NOT complaining again that you triple sat him!  What a pussy.  If you can’t handle that then you shouldn’t have applied to work in a busy restaurant.  Take it like a man or…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

7.  VIP table didn’t get the corner they asked for!  UH OH!  That table is EVERYTHING TO THEM.  They’re mad because they always sit there?  Unless you’re the king of the world, you can…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

8.  You can’t wait at the bar for your table because you don’t drink?  I get that, but I can’t seat you yet and there is nowhere else for you to stand.  OH, so you want to stand directly in front of me and have a staring contest?  You know what you can do?  You can…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

9.  You have an allergy to CARBS?  You mean you have to eat gluten free.  You have celiac?  Oh, no… just CARBS in general?  Is that why you have a tummy tuck and anorexic looking arms?  I get it now… you’re “allergic” to carbs… RIGHT on lady, you can just…

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

10.  Thanks for the tip!  You almost hit 15% which is pretty rude here in America. Oh… That’s not a tip?  That’s your valet money.  SILLY ME, I thought I gave you great service and made this evening PERFECT for you.  Ohhhh you’re just going to smile at me as I clear your disgusting plates.  YOU CAN SERIOUSLY

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

XOXO,

The Door Bitch.